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What would you expect?

#1 User is offline   Jay 

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Posted 09 January 2012 - 11:50 AM

o Man calls 911 and says I think my wife is dead. The operator says, How do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is piling up!"



o I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."



o I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.



o My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well..... she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.



o Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?





o I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow.. I said, "You're obviously not listening".



o The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I went to the thrift shop and got her clothes back.



o At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa!!!



o One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans was not the correct answer either.



o I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children-oriented iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.



o There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomberjackets.



o You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slow past schools.



o A buddy of mine told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a mustache."



o I just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I knew 4,000 Muslims added me as a friend!!



o Being a prudent man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sick bastard.



o The Red Cross has just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our gardenhose only reaches the driveway.


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#2 User is offline   Skibum 

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Posted 10 January 2012 - 06:27 PM

Best you have had in a while...

Of course you haven't had much in the past 9 months. :)
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