Humor Humor moderated by Jay http://www.skibumsplace.com/IPB/index.php Mon, 09 Jan 2012 16:50:16 +0000 180 What would you expect? http://www.skibumsplace.com/IPB/index.php?showtopic=4383


o I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."



o I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.



o My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well..... she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.



o Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?





o I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow.. I said, "You're obviously not listening".



o The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I went to the thrift shop and got her clothes back.



o At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa!!!



o One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans was not the correct answer either.



o I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children-oriented iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.



o There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomberjackets.



o You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slow past schools.



o A buddy of mine told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a mustache."



o I just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I knew 4,000 Muslims added me as a friend!!



o Being a prudent man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sick bastard.



o The Red Cross has just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our gardenhose only reaches the driveway.

]]> Mon, 09 Jan 2012 16:50:16 +0000 http://www.skibumsplace.com/IPB/index.php?showtopic=4383 Little Johnny again (language) http://www.skibumsplace.com/IPB/index.php?showtopic=4368 said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Johnny a bright foreign
exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry,
1775' he said.

'Very good!'

Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People,
shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Little Johnny, 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.

'Excellent!', said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more
difficult...'

Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do
for your country?'

Once again, Johnny's was the only hand in the air and he said; 'John F.
Kennedy, 1961'.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of
yourselves, Little Johnny isn't from this country and he knows more
about our history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'Fuck the Japs,'

'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded.

Little Johnny put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks, 'All right!!! Now who said that!?'

Again, Little Johnny says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,
1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Little Johnny jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the
teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little shit. If you say
anything else, I'll kill you.'

Little Johnny frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Michael
Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.'

The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh
shit, We're screwed!'

Little Johnny said quietly, 'the American people, November 4, 2008.']]> Thu, 19 May 2011 17:43:36 +0000 http://www.skibumsplace.com/IPB/index.php?showtopic=4368 The Irish Golfer http://www.skibumsplace.com/IPB/index.php?showtopic=4365
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square.

Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything,

I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here', the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer your golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'


]]> Wed, 11 May 2011 18:56:17 +0000 http://www.skibumsplace.com/IPB/index.php?showtopic=4365 George Bush, Queen Elizabeth and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. http://www.skibumsplace.com/IPB/index.php?showtopic=4364
While there, they see a red phone and ask what the phone is for.

The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.



Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished

the devil informs him that the cost is ONE million dollars, so Putin

writes him a check.



Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she

is finished the devil informs her that the cost is SIX million dollars,

so she writes him a check.



Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is

finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.



When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got

to call the USA so cheaply.



The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has

gone to hell, so it's a local call

]]> Wed, 11 May 2011 18:54:41 +0000 http://www.skibumsplace.com/IPB/index.php?showtopic=4364 Religions of the World http://www.skibumsplace.com/IPB/index.php?showtopic=4352 ]]> Sat, 23 Apr 2011 20:34:57 +0000 http://www.skibumsplace.com/IPB/index.php?showtopic=4352 Hoffman http://www.skibumsplace.com/IPB/index.php?showtopic=4351

Attached thumbnail(s)

  • Attached Image: Capture.PNG
]]> Sat, 23 Apr 2011 13:25:03 +0000 http://www.skibumsplace.com/IPB/index.php?showtopic=4351 Penguins http://www.skibumsplace.com/IPB/index.php?showtopic=4350
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4K3MXY5ITxQ]]> Thu, 21 Apr 2011 23:25:26 +0000 http://www.skibumsplace.com/IPB/index.php?showtopic=4350 Husband Down http://www.skibumsplace.com/IPB/index.php?showtopic=4348 The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
“What do you think you're doing?” asks the wife.
“They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans” he replies.
“Put them back, we can't afford them” demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
“What do you think you're doing?” asks the husband.
“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: “So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.”

He never knew what hit him.]]> Sun, 17 Apr 2011 22:28:02 +0000 http://www.skibumsplace.com/IPB/index.php?showtopic=4348 Sexes http://www.skibumsplace.com/IPB/index.php?showtopic=4331 I said to him .... . . You wear pants don't you?





He said to me ... . ......... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said .. That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart




He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!




He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him ... . They don't have time.






He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. .. I don't know; it has never happened.






He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.




He said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said. . .. A widow.




He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him .. . ... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
]]> Fri, 30 Jul 2010 22:17:42 +0000 http://www.skibumsplace.com/IPB/index.php?showtopic=4331 <![CDATA[Tom's scrotum]]> http://www.skibumsplace.com/IPB/index.php?showtopic=4330 The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife ... the word is sternum."
]]> Fri, 30 Jul 2010 16:31:39 +0000 http://www.skibumsplace.com/IPB/index.php?showtopic=4330